Jokes Log - Collection of Jokes, Humors & Funny Stories

Common between coulds & wife

2012-01-10T08:10:00.000-08:00

What's common between Clouds & Wife... ???
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"When both are not around; We call it a Pleasant Day...!!!"

Dracula Joke

2012-01-10T08:04:00.000-08:00

1969 : Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood !!
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In 2012 : Dracula died of hunger :D

Cheating Husband Joke

2012-01-10T07:56:00.000-08:00

Lady 1 : I think my Husband is Cheating on me!!
Lady 2 : How did you conclude that ?
Lady 1 : Yesterday he said that he was with John last night for a party But I was with John Last night !! :D

Superb Answers

2011-12-27T00:32:00.000-08:00

Answers of a Brilliant student who obtained 0%

Q. In which battle did Tipu Sultan died?
A. His last battle.

Q. Where was the Declaration of IndependanceSigned?
A. At the Bottom of the Page.

Q. Ganga flows in which state?
A. Liquid.

Q. Whats the main reason for Divorce?
A. Marriage.

Q. Whats the main reason for Failure?
A. Examinations.

Did the student Answer Anything Wrong

They should fire the examiner who set those questions

Holy Father

2011-12-26T22:58:00.000-08:00

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could
help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, Sister" said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now..." said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact..." said the old nun, even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful but that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt good being saved."

"That son-of-a..." muttered the old nun, "he told ME it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for forty years!"

All for a Kiss

2011-03-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.

As they were about to wish each other good night at the front door, the guy started feeling a little more romantic. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her
"Honey, would you give me a kiss ?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

" Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
He asked grinning at her.

" No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on!

There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".

" No way, it's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".

" No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

" No, no. I just can't" " I'm begging you ... "

Suddenly.....Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled,
And in a sleepy voice she said,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if needed, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake ....

TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL

Why are you committing suicide?

2011-03-01T07:51:00.000-08:00

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a pretty girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

She does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I've ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl... "

The biker commited suicide... :)

Wife's mobile number

2011-02-23T07:53:00.000-08:00

A newly married husband saved his wife's mobile number on his mobile as "My life"

After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"

After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"

Duck Hunter

2011-02-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

A duck hunter went hunting one day in Scotland and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden.

The game warden ordered the hunter to show his hunting license, and the hunter pulled out a valid Scottish hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its bottom, and said, "This duck ain't from Scotland. This is a Welsh duck. You got a Welsh hunting' license, lad?" The hunter reached into his wallet and produced a Welsh hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its bottom, and said "This ain't no Welsh duck. This duck's from Ireland . You got a Irish license?" The hunter reached into wallet and produced an Irish hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its bottom, and said, "This ain't no Irish duck. This here duck's from England . You got an English huntin' license?" Again the hunter reached into his wallet and brought out an English hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hunter "Just where the hell are you from???!!!"

The hunter turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert".

Oh... I'm sorry to hear that

2011-02-01T06:20:00.000-08:00

A man had two of the best tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down,another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their ri...ght mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the universe, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral." :P

I just love hearing it

2010-06-21T07:12:00.000-07:00

A guy phoned to his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the guy calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you yeasterday" the wife replies, "He died last week". The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU... TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

He replied laughing,

"I just love hearing it..."

Defence for speeding

2010-06-11T00:10:00.000-07:00

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph;
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the floor even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied,
"Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

Some Husband & Wife Jokes

2010-06-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

Husband: Do you know the meaning of W I F E?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever

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Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday.

Call from doctor

2010-06-05T20:56:00.000-07:00

A patient receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The patient replies, "Oh no! my god!! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to tell you that yesterday."

Blond guy Joke

2010-06-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband admitted her to the hospital immediately. He held her hand as she went through trying a birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife slaps her and angrily asked, "Who is the other's father?!!!!"

Q & A Jokes

2010-06-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

Q: What will happen if Franklin did not discover the electricity?

A: Nothing, but we must watch TV in candle light.

Q: What is difference between Orange and Apple?

A: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not Apple.

Official Love Letter-Joke

2010-06-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that, I have fallen in Love with you since the 18th of September.

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 18th of Sept . at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of six months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between both of us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share or full amount of the expenses.

However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 14 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
Romeo (HR Manager)

MS Office - Joke

2010-05-28T02:50:00.000-07:00

A blonde attending an interview of a software company.

Interviewer: Do you know MS Office?

Blonde : ummm.... No... But If you give me the address I will go there sir.

Opposite Sentences - Joke

2010-05-28T02:47:00.000-07:00

Teacher to her students: Ok tell me what is the opposite of this sentence:
"Children in the dark make mistakes"

Little Tony: "Mistakes in the dark make children" ...

Three eras of marriage - Joke

2010-05-28T02:43:00.000-07:00

In the first era of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second era, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third era of marrage, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Opposite of Laughing

2010-05-18T06:58:00.000-07:00

A teacher asks her students:

"What is the opposite of laughing?"

Little Tony says: "5ex!"

The teacher: "Shame on you bastard! How can you say that?"

Tony: "Laughing is...." "Ha ha ha"
"5ex is...." "Ah ah ah"

Teacher fainted...

Having Children in Old Ages Joke

2010-05-18T06:49:00.000-07:00

Question : "Should Women have children after 40?"

Sardar replied : "No!!!"

"Why?"

"Because 40 children are more than enough!!!"

I Miss You Joke

2010-05-11T16:46:00.000-07:00

Sardar received a SMS from his girl friend: "I MISS YOU"

Sardarji immediately replied: "I Mr YOU" !!.

Saudi Prince School Days

2010-04-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

Saudi Prince goes to a England school to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his farther saying:
"London is wonderful, climate is good & people are friendly. I really like it here, But I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school
with my gold Mercedes when all of my teachers travel by train."

After some days, He gets a letter from his farther with a hundred million dollar check saying:
"Stop embarrassing us son!....go and get yourself a train too"

Basketball court in heaven

2010-04-15T03:35:00.000-07:00

John & Michael were two close friends playing basketball together. They want to know if there is a basketball court in heaven. They made a promise each-other that if ever who is the first to die, will comeback to tell if there is a court in heaven.

John first to died.
One mid night, Michael hear John's voice.

John: "Hi Michael I'm John."

Michael: "Really, How is it, is there a basketball court in heaven?"

John: "I have a good news and a bad news for you... The good news is there's a basket ball court in heaven. The bad news is you are going to be a member of the team that we are planning to complete tomorrow".

Mistakes

2010-04-15T03:29:00.000-07:00

If a barber makes a mistake,
It is a new style.

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is a New Path

If an engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture.

If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation.

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law.

If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention.

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion.

If a teacher makes a mistake,
It is a new theory.

If our boss makes a mistake,
It is a new idea

If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a Mistake Only

Three Easy Ways to Die

2010-04-15T03:25:00.000-07:00

Take a Cigar Daily - You will die ten Years Early.

Drink Wiskey Daily - You will die twenty Years Early.

Love Someone Truly - You will die Daily.

Blonde eat pizza

2010-04-14T20:27:00.000-07:00

A blonde went to have a pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked her if she would like her pizza cut into four pieces or into eight pieces.

"Four please" she said, "I could never eat eight pieces!"

Two view points

2010-03-27T07:54:00.000-07:00

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work:

Did you have a good sex last night?
Oh Nooo. what a disaster it was... Hubby came home, got his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in four minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes.. How about you?

Oh it was amazing sweet dreams... My hubby came home. He took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we had a walk for an hour. After we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After that we had an hour long fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale.

At the same time their husbands were talking at work:

Did you have a good sex last night?
Aha... why not?, It was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?

Oh It was horrible nightmare. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity cause we didn't pay the bill. So I had to take my wife out to a dinner and the dinner was very expensive so that we didn't have money for a cab. Then we had to walk home for an hour. I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another hour.

Taxi Driver

2010-03-20T10:04:00.000-07:00

A naked and drunken woman boards to a taxi in Chicago one night.

The taxi driver keeps staring at her and does not start the taxi.

Woman: “Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?”

Driver: “I’m not staring at you madam…........................
Just wondering where have you kept the money to pay the taxi charges.”

Pass Gas in Public (Fart in Public)

2010-02-24T08:43:00.000-08:00

One day Tony was in a restaurant, when he suddenly realized that he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at him.....

Then he suddenly remembered that he was listening to his MP3 player.

Test Your Vocabulary

2010-02-24T08:17:00.000-08:00

FILL IN THE BLANKS

1. BOO_S ???

2. _ _ NDOM ???

3. F_ _K ???

4. P_N_S ???

5. PU_S_ ???

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ANSWERS: Highlight Below :) (If u r not familiar with highlighting just press CTRL + A)

1. BOOKS

2. RANDOM

3. FORK

4. PANTS

5. PULSE

What A Coincidence!

2010-02-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next
to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I
just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a
special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also
celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they
clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you
celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child
and today my gynecologist told me that I am
pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken
farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your
chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

A Tragedy Love Story

2009-12-08T07:20:00.000-08:00

A pig fell in love with a hen.

One day they kissed each other.

Next day pig died of bird flu.

And hen died of swine flu.

Baby care (Joke)

2009-11-03T08:12:00.000-08:00

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining lab, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's latest exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, measured his weight, saw it was
a little below the normal, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know" she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Can you sell a dead donkey?

2009-11-01T23:56:00.000-08:00

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."

Kenny: "Well then, just give me my money back."

Farmer: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."

Farmer: "What are you going to do with this dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

The Parrot (Joke)

2009-10-30T10:16:00.000-07:00

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!" .

Scaring the kids!!!

2009-10-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

A woman gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed sweating and panting.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack" cries the husband..

The woman rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Lucy is hiding in your wardrobe, and she's got no clothes on!"

The woman slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"'You rotten Bi*ch", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"

Amdon faced to an Interview

2009-10-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

In an interview,

Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?

Amdon: Druumrrr... ruuu.... druuuuu....

Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.

Amdon: Drrr drup drup drup....

Tony at the museum

2009-10-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

Museum Admin: That is a 500 years old statue you have broken...

Tony: Thanks God!!! I thought it was a new one.

Keyboard alphabet not in order

2009-10-29T10:56:00.000-07:00

Amdon joined new job.
first day he worked till late evening on the computer.

Boss was very happy and asked what you did till evening.

Amdon: Keyboard alphabet were not in order, so I made it alright.

Cars Start with TEA

2009-10-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

Tony: What is the name of your car?

Jane: mmm.. I forgot the name, but it starts with 'T'.

Tony: Oh!!!, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

Amdon Fixing a Bomb (Amdon Joke)

2009-10-29T10:51:00.000-07:00

Amdon were fixing a bomb in a car.
His uncle ask "What would you do if the bomb" explodes while fixing.

Amdon: Dont worry, I have one more.

Kind of Affairs

2009-10-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon..

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue..'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned! with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Party Crashers

2009-09-04T07:38:00.000-07:00

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.

She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to identify which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Ok... those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.

Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

Then He smiled and said

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"Will all those who stood up please leave, This is a birthday party"...

Q & A Jokes (Question and Answer Jokes)

2009-08-15T05:14:00.000-07:00

Q: What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?

A: A carrot.

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?

A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q:What's the thinnest book in the world?

A: What men know about woman.

Q: What tables don't you have to learn?

A: Dinner tables.

Q: What do you get if you cross an artist with a police officer?

A: A brush with the law.

Q: What do you call a chicken that eats cement?

A: A bricklayer.

Q: What is a pessimists blood type?

A: B Negative.

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

A: Because it's two - tired.

Q: How can you tell if there is an elephant in the refrigerator?

A: The door won't shut.

Q: How do you make Mexican chilli?

A: Take him to the North Pole.

Q: What kind of music does a ghost like?

A: Haunting melodies.

Q: Who never gets his hair wet in the shower?

A: A bald man.

Blondes Cross the River

2009-08-15T05:12:00.000-07:00

There are two blondes standing on opposite sides of a river. One blond yells to the other "Hey how do you get to the other side!!!" the other blonde replies "Idiot!! you are on the other side!!!"

Mobile bill (Sardar Joke)

2009-07-16T01:34:00.000-07:00

Sardar: Excuse me... how much is my mobile bill?

Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status

Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL [light bill :)] my MOBILE BILL.

Udurawana's Son (Udurawana Joke)

2009-07-16T01:28:00.000-07:00

Udurawana: I am a proud father, because my son is in Medical College.

Friend: Really, what is he studying.

Udurawana: No he is not studying, they are studying him.

Who said english is easy?

2009-07-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

Fill in the blank with YES or NO.

1 .... I dont have brain
2 .... I dont have sense
3 .... I am stupid

Amdon Joke "Amdon is a GOD"

2009-07-16T01:15:00.000-07:00

Amdon : People consider me as a "GOD"
Father : How do you know?
Amdon : When I went to the park today, everybody said, "Oh GOD you have come again"'

Michael Jackson & Farrah Fawcett Jokes

2009-07-05T03:32:00.000-07:00

Q: What is the difference between "Farrah Fawcett" and "Michael Jackson"?

A: "Farrah" did it with Majors, "Michael Jackson" did it with Minors.

----*----*----*----*----*----*----*----*----*----*

When Farrah Fawcet died and went to heaven,
She asked the God for one wish.
God said OK.
She asked for all the children to be safe in earth.
So Michael Jackson died.

RIP MJ & FF

Joke about Michael Jackson

2009-07-05T03:13:00.000-07:00

Q: What does "Michael Jackson" and a "Plastic bag" have in common?

A: Both are white, plastic and a danger to children.

RIP Michael Jackson...

How to recruit the right person for the Job?

2009-06-25T01:33:00.000-07:00

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed Room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the Accounts department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in Auditing .

If they have messed up the hole place with the bricks.
Put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in Operations ..

If they are sleeping.
Put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic Planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each Other and not a single brick has been moved.

Congratulate them and put them in TOP MANAGEMENT

Bounced cheque (Rape Joke)

2009-05-13T01:50:00.000-07:00

Judge to prostitute: "So... when did you realize that you were raped?"
Prostitute: (Wiping away tears) "When the cheque bounced"

The Lion's Wedding

2009-05-13T01:23:00.000-07:00

A lion was getting married. At his wedding a mouse was shouting away and congratulating the lion "All the best my brother!!! goodluck!!!"

Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother, another Lion grabs the mouse in anger and asks
"Who the hell do you think you are.... how can a lion be your brother.. you are only a mouse...."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The Mouse replies.... "I was also a Lion before I got married"

Blonde's diary on a cruise ship.

2009-04-17T03:40:00.000-07:00

DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship journey - all my sexiest dresses and makeups. Really excited.

DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DAY 4
Won $1000.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DAY 6
Today I saved 1,800 lives.

DAY 7
Saved 1,800 lives once again.
.
.
.
.
.

Suberb Bachelor Quotes (Jokes)

2009-03-13T03:05:00.000-07:00

Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life !!

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde

------------------------------------------------

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb

------------------------------------------------

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

--Sam Kinison

------------------------------------------------

Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
They marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

--H. L. Mencken

------------------------------------------------

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.

When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

------------------------------------------------

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,

You can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.

That was only for the estimate.

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"

Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------

Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.

He says "the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs... .."

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course... At least he'll shut up after u let him in!

--Anonymous

Why facelift is danger

2009-02-24T00:07:00.000-08:00

A 55 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to
the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 45 years, 4 months and
7 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an accident.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you
said I had another 45 years? Why didn't you pull me from
out of the path of that vehicle?'

God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'

Apologizing and Forgiving

2009-01-30T02:33:00.000-08:00

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her brë~äst.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Madam, if your heart is as soft as your brë~äst, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your pen~is is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 216."

A Letter from Management - Retire Aged People Early Scheme (RAPE)

2009-01-23T00:09:00.000-08:00

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown
of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to
put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be
eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced
Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired
Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and
SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for
Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who
have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further
by Management.

Sincerely,
The Management

Starting Salary

2008-12-11T00:36:00.000-08:00

Boss : I am giving you a job as a driver. STARTING salary $100/-, is it o.k

Tom : you are great sir! Starting salary is ok...but...???
How much is DRIVING salary...?

Nothing to worry

2008-12-05T01:18:00.000-08:00

A 70 years old man asks his wife "do u feel sad when u see me running behind young girls?"

Wife replied "No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it"

Little Tony

2008-12-05T01:02:00.000-08:00

Teacher: why did u laugh?
Boy: I saw 1 strap of ur bra.
Teacher: GET OUT of class for 1 week.

2nd boy laughed.
Teacher: why did u laugh?
Boy: I saw both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT FOR 1 MONTH.

She bent down to take chalk,
Little Tony started walking out.

Teacher: Tony, why are you going out?
Tony: What I just saw, I think my school days are over.

Federal Court Judges

2008-11-26T23:23:00.000-08:00

On break down of his car on a country road one late night, a Federal court judge went up to a farm house looking for help.

A little beautiful lady answered and heard his problem. She told him that she was alone and since it was late, he would have to wait till morning for the garrage to open.

The judge:"In that case, I seek your permission to stay the night in your house".

The lady: "But, Sir, I am alone".

The judge : "No need to fear. After all, I am a federal court judge".

The lady: "But, Sir, here have only one bedroom".

The judge : "No need to fear. After all, I am a federal court judge".

They went to the bedroom & the lady said; "But, Sir, we have only one bed",

The judge: "No need to fear. After all, I am a federal court judge".

So they shared the bed and went to sleep, he facing this side and she facing that side.

In the morning, as they were passing the poultry towards the gate, the judge sensed something and watched closely. He saw there were about 20 hens & about 60 cocks.

As he asked the lady how so, she patiently explained, "Of these 60 cocks, only 10 are cocks. All others are Federal Court Judges".

Coffee Shop

2008-10-24T03:26:00.000-07:00

Amdon and his wife went to a coffee shop
Amdon said, 'Hurry Up Drink quickly.....!!!'.
His wife asked, ' why...???'
Amdon, 'Hot Coffee Rs.5 and Cold Coffee Rs. 10'.

English Exam

2008-10-24T03:14:00.000-07:00

John finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how he did his exam. He replied,
'Exam was okay, but
for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought,
and thought, at
last I wrote THUNK!!!'

Blonde Buy a TV

2008-10-17T03:06:00.000-07:00

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV it's a microwave!"

posted by: Colin

Funny Answers

2008-10-10T01:08:00.000-07:00

Q
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

A
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds(January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...) in a year.

posted by: richelle

Blonde Vs Lawer

2008-10-10T01:06:00.000-07:00

A lawyer and a blond are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blond just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains,'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.'

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says,'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'
He reckons that since she is a blond that he will easily win the match. This offer catches the blond's attention and, realizing that there will probably be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

The blond doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blond's turn.

She asks the lawyer,'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blond and hands her $500. The blond politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blond and asks,'Well, so what is the answer?'

Without a word, the blond reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep

posted by: meronj

Relaxing

2008-10-07T04:21:00.000-07:00

Amdon was enjoying the sun at the beach in America .

A lady came and asked him, 'Are you relaxing?'
Amdon answered, 'No, I am Amdon'

Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Amdon answered, 'No! No! Me Amdon!'

A third one came and asked him the same question again.
Amdon was totally annoyed and decided to shift his
place.

While walking he saw another man soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?'

The other man was a lot more educated and answered,
'Yes, I am relaxing.'

Amdon slapped him on his face and said,'Stupid,
idiot. Everyone is
looking for you and you are sitting over here!'

Forgot Her Name

2008-10-07T04:18:00.000-07:00

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to
ask her what it is!'

posted by: Manju

Definition for Panda

2008-10-03T00:15:00.000-07:00

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts,'Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!'

The panda yells back at the bartender,'Hey man, I'm a panda! Look it up!'

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
'A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.'

posted by: Leasa

Blonde's Train Travel

2008-10-02T04:03:00.001-07:00

A blonde came home by train and her husband noticed she was looking a little tired.

Husband: Honey, are you feeling all right?

Blonde : Not really, I’m nauseous from sitting backward on the train.

Husband: Poor dear, Why didn’t you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?

Blonde : I couldn’t, there was no one there.

posted by: Colin

Judging Others

2008-10-02T03:55:00.000-07:00

An elephant asked a camel,

Why are your breasts on your back?

Well, says the camel,

I think that’s a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face.

(posted by: Colin)

Blonde's Detective Exam

2008-10-01T00:19:00.000-07:00

So there are three blondes at the police station waiting to take the detective's exam.The examiner comes out of this little room and calls the first one in.
"in order to be a detective, you need to be able to notice things about someone that a normal person cannot," he says. so he shows the first blonde a picture of a man. "what do you think about this man?"

"he only has one eye," she says.

"of course he only has one eye, it is a profile view of his face." so she doesn't get the job. the next blonde then enters. the man gives her the same spiel and shows her the same picture.

"he only has one ear," she says.

"of course he only has one ear! its a profile view of his face!" so she doesn't get the job. then the third and last blonde comes in the room. he tells her the same thing he told the other two and showed her the exact same picture he showed the other.

the blonde looked at the picture and said, "he wears contacts."

the man thought this was a false statement, so he pulled the file of the man in the picture. sure enough, he wore contacts.

"how did you know that?" he asked her.

"well, if he only has one eye, and one ear, he can't possible wear glasses."

Mother's Silence

2008-09-14T21:49:00.000-07:00

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room.
Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence.

The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.

Honey Moon

2008-09-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time
period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how
their sex life would get started, she made them all
promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a
few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days
after the wedding. The card said nothing but:

"Nescafe"!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said:

"Good till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week
after the wedding, and the card read:

"Rothmans"

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the pack:

"Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy
for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town.
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by
and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card
finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words

"South African Airways"

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped
through the pages fearing the worst, and finally
found the ad for SAA.

The ad said:

"Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

2008-09-14T21:41:00.000-07:00

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, 'I would like to
buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacis t's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Spaghetti

2008-09-14T21:40:00.000-07:00

A man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was Pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child Turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to Simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange postcard today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.'

Quality & Warranty

2008-09-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

A Quality Engineer married an average girl...

After 2 years of tough life with her, finally the Engineer got angry and
sent a note to father-in-law stating that
"YOUR PRODUCT NOT MEETING MY REQUIRMENTS".

The smart father-in-law replies,
"WARRANTY EXPIRED. MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE"

Cheeting Wife

2008-08-29T03:04:00.000-07:00

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny
on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the
name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on
the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. "Your horse phoned"

Asking the RIGHT question

2008-08-29T02:58:00.000-07:00

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

Moral of the story is... The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

Definitions of 5ex :

2008-05-22T00:05:00.001-07:00

It is a science with the wife..

It is an art with a girlfriend..

It is commerce with a prostitute..

And It is just a social service with Auntie's..

5exy Request

2008-05-22T00:04:00.001-07:00

A very 5exy and attractive female employer meets her boss and says: " Sir
will you please remove something from my breast? "

Boss: " Vow!! what's that? "

She : " your eyes sir "

What do you like in me

2008-05-22T00:01:00.001-07:00

Girl : " What do you like in me? "

Boy : " those 2 big white balls having black dots in it.."

Girl : " what??? "

Boy : " yes, your eyes.."

Difference between boy and a girl

2008-05-21T23:59:00.001-07:00

Teacher : What's the difference between boy and a girl?

Tina : they are naughty, we are beauty..they have muscles, we have nipples

they have a pole and we have a hole..

Computer Boys & Gals

2008-05-21T23:54:00.001-07:00

Boy : Can I touch your software?

Girl : First show me your hardware..

Boy : Should I install it in your system?

Girl : Cover it with antivirus and then install..

Naughty mind....High expectations

2008-02-18T18:48:00.001-08:00

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times....... ...huh... ...MY GOD!!)

Legal Misunderstandings...

2008-01-02T02:18:00.001-08:00

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

Who is the father?

2008-01-02T02:17:00.001-08:00

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to
get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the
girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the
neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this
son but I have to tell you that the girl you want to marry is your
sister, but please don't tell your mother about this.

The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up
frustrated causing the same response from the dad.

So he decides to tell his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all
the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell
you.

His mother smiling and said to him, "Don't worry my son, you can marry
any of those girls. Because You're not his son!!"

Sexy secretary.

2007-12-05T19:07:00.003-08:00

A banker, confused with maths, asked his secretary:
If I give you $3 million less 5%, how much would you take-off?
Sec: Everything, sir !!!

I like your beard

2007-12-05T19:07:00.001-08:00

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend"
When she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"
The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon !"

Wrong Number...

2007-12-05T19:06:00.001-08:00

Mike went to office and called to his house over phone. Servant had taken the receiver.
Mike: Who is speaking?
Servant : Servant Sir.
Mike: Where is the Madam?
Mike: She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.
Mike: What? I am her husband came to office today.
Servant: What can I do now sir?
Mike: Open the cupboard, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line. After some time ... there come 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...
Servant: Yes, I did Sir. But what can I do next Sir?
Mike: Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming pool
Servant: There is no swimming pool in our house Sir
Mike: What...? No swimming pool?
Servant: Yes Sir
Mike: Sorry, wrong number !!!!!!!!

Put a rubber at the end of your stick

2007-12-05T19:02:00.001-08:00

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus so shut up."

Student Vs Professor

2007-12-05T19:01:00.001-08:00

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Sex in old ages

2007-12-03T19:00:00.001-08:00

Johnny asks grandpa: "Do you still have sex with grandma?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only oral."
Johnny: "What's oral?"
Grandpa: "I say f*** you, she says f*** you too."

Father's Pasttime

2007-12-03T18:59:00.001-08:00

A kid asked the priest:
"Father, what is your pastime?"
The priest tapped the kid's shoulder and replied:
"Nun, my child, nun."

Wife Vs Chewing Gum

2007-12-03T18:58:00.003-08:00

What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
Both, are sweet and tight in the beginning, but become tasteless and shapeless later.

Naughty son

2007-12-03T18:58:00.001-08:00

Patient:My 5 year old son is very naughty. He has made my maid pregnant.
Doctor:How the hell is that possible?
Patient:He took a pin and punched holes in all my condoms.